plumblossom03 (plumblossom03) wrote in dearnola,
plumblossom03
plumblossom03
dearnola

i feel blue

i never thought i would understand the meaning of that statement
but that is what i feel
a weight on my heart
a cloud over my head
the ridiculous feeling -- as if i am waiting
waiting to leave here
waiting to go home to you
from this unwanted journey

how can you describe how it feels
stuck in a hospital during those desperate nights
cut off from the world
hearing news -- bits and pieces
of the chaos and terror outside
wondering
when will you see your loved ones again
when will this night ever end
when will you be able to leave this godforsaken place
will life ever be as it was before?

how can you describe
trying to fall asleep at night
not knowing what tomorrow may bring
only to be awakened by someone
summoning you to help
"we must evacuate the babies from the NICU"
to run down the pitch black hallways
with a tiny bundle of life in your arms
to the roof
where is the helicopter?
"they are not coming... someone is shooting at them"

how can you describe
those dark hallways
hallways that used to be full of light
full of smiles
from fellow coworkers
friends
new orleanians
now turned into mazes
relying on just your memory
of where each hallway turned

can i describe?
how i felt when i finally left?
finally evacuated?
the rush to pack our cars
we made a caravan for safety
we heard the rumors -- of killings, carjackings
we didn't know what was true
we drove out
not stopping for no one, nothing
raced down magazing street
around downed power lines
majestic old oak trees that had fallen or split

it is still surreal to me
i can picture that day
and it seems as though i am watching a movie
a movie with me in it

i keep driving
over the bridge
over the mississippi river
i see people hiking over the bridge
as if it were just a leisurely stroll
i see houses below
with no roofs
i see smoke everywhere
from houses and building burning
yet the city lay empty
a forgotten city

i keep driving
i pass other caravans
of volunteer policemen, firemen, national guard
it brings tears to my eyes
maybe not forgotten?

i keep driving
over bayous and swamps
so surreal
all the trees were lying flat on the ground
as though a bomb had exploded
i can't even imagine
how thick a forest they were before

14 hours i drove
on what should have been a 6 hour drive
i waited in line for gas
for 2 hours
almost fought with another woman
who threatened to run me over
if i didn't let her skip in front of me
can you imagine?
at a time like this
people threw out all decency and respect
i was ashamed for her
it made me sick

but i made it home
to the arms of my family
my family who didn't understand me
could not relate
didn't know what to say
"it's just stuff"
but it's not just stuff that was lost
it was MY stuff
My life

in two days
everything i had worked for
was lost
the first life i had made
truly on my own
was gone

so now
every day
i feel blue
because i miss it
what i had
what i used to do
the friends i had made
the job that i loved
the memories i had made

how can i describe
how sad i am?
how empty i feel?
how hopeless that i will never shake this?
sad that this happened
sad to say goodbye
sad that i can't seem to move on
sad that right now
no matter how hard i am trying to live life again
to be happy
and give this new place a chance
am i fooling myself?
or is this normal?

i want to get past this
i want to live life again
i want to move on
but i also want to remember...
so what do i do?
let go or hold on?

maybe i'll just go to sleep
and tell myself what i've been telling myself
for the past 7 months
tomorrow is a new day
maybe tomorrow things will be better
maybe tomorrow i won't think about it all
maybe tomorrow everything will be ok
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